STRESS

Yay.

I love this feeling. 

This feeling of adrenaline

This feeling that keeps me awake at night.

This feeling that I'm going to explode

This feeling that I just don't want enough

This feeling that I just don't care enough

And all the freaking thoughts that go with it. I know ya'll are sick and tired of my talking/complaining/whining about it.  I can't help it.  What can I do with something that consumes me? You know, I really should iron out my priorities.  Because this isn't really what matters.  In the grand scheme of things, this really doesn't matter.  But then, neither does most of what I do, think, feel.  In the grand scheme of things, will I have really made a difference?  Will I?  Really?  What I care about now isn't just merely what it is.  I've got deeper crap going on.  Pride. Identity. Self-worth. Isn't it just dandy when they're intertwined? I can't take it.  School - English, Calc, German.  Band - GD chairtests. My family.  other people. 

But I have to leave now.  Gotta go play store for some 'bible buck' redemption at the advent festival at church.  Joy. 

And would you imagine, on top of all this crap, my birthday's Sunday? 

*screams*

I need therepy.

*rolls over*

Hmmm...rereading things over, it seems as though I should clarify a bit.

I don't hate my life.  Life is the only thing/state that I've ever known, and leaving this state would be stepping into theh quasi-unknown, which is scary.  Meaning, I do 'know' what's beyond life, but I haven't realized it with every fiber of my being. 

I love God.  Heck, you too would love the person who gave you everything.  But I don't love Him perfectly.  I don't like that. 

I'm just stuck in a rut.

Yes, I'd defend my faith to the grave.  I think.  Meaning, I'm Catholic forever and I think everyone else should be too, but I think I'd be willing to be a martyr.  Not know, think.

I feel like I'm missing something.  Just one link in the chain, one chunk of the puzzle.  I know it's somewhere in the Catholic Faith.  It has to be.  I'm beyond discussing that option.  But where?  Yeah, I know, just let yourself be washed over by His love, let it fully unite itself with every atom that your made of.  BUT HOW???  No, I think I know how.  I've just poisoned myself against it.  I've covered it up so much that I can't see it or find it anymore...

---

Wait...mom should be done with childcare by now...she said that I could come over here and look up some stuff (which I did)...but that was two hours ago...I'll go check on her in a sec. THe mission can't last this long, can it?

---

But anywho, yeah.  Outside, I'm fine.  inside, I'm just missing something.  I'm not quite sure what it is or how to get it, but I think I will someday.  I'm just a very impatient person.  I want to love God more.  I just have to let myself...

easier said than done, eh? ;)

*sighs* All righty.  Going to check on mummy dearest.  I have to say, I'm a bit worried.  Ah well.  What's the worst that can happen?  It's probably nothing. :)

Lyrics, continued

FM Static says it quie nicely:

you've been trying to get me open
caught out in the open
everyone is hopeing youd give
anything to take this
everything that breaks this
everyone is faceless
give me
something to believe in
quick or else im leaving
need a better reason
i know
things get complicated
so miseducated
it's a wonder that made it

situation
a little speculation
what are we facing
too much complications
looking for a name
in a new generation
a new focus
new destination

i don't wanna look
i just wanna find
gimme gimme something to believe in
keep your religion, don't need your lies
i'm just looking for one good reason
feel like it's teenage hunting season
but nothing out there sounds half decent
who's out there? who's going to save us
before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement

you've been trying to get me open
caught out in the open
everyone is hopeing
give me
something to believe in
quick or else im leaving
need a better reason
i know

i'm never gonna fall in line
so don't even bother wasting your time
i'm a breed of a different kind
stand back just to invade your mind

situation
under speculation
what are we facing?
too much complications
looking for a name
in a new generation
a new focus
new destination

i don't wanna look
i just wanna find
gimme gimme something to believe in
keep your religion, don't need your lies
i'm just looking for one good reason
feel like it's teenage hunting season
but nothing out there sounds half decent
who's out there? who's going to save us
before we all fall through the cracks in the pavement

and if you don't know what im talking about
it's probably better cause im working out
don't wanna spend my lifetime figurin out
that i coulda just said one prayer

and if you know what i'm talking about
then together were both working it out
don't wanna spend my lifetime figuring out
i missed the point now it's over
i missed the point now it's over
i missed the point now it's over
i missed the point now it's over
i missed the point now it's over
i missed the point now it's over

Something like that.  Everybody has different lyrics...heh heh...

Some just say it better

Hmmm...

I'm off to do childcare for the mission at my church, but I'd thought that I'd make a bit of an update, seeing as my home computer is basically just a hunk of metal and plastic at the moment.

Some people have already said it so much better, so why should I try to say it again?

...and now again I find myself so far down, away from the Son...

...and I can't let that happen, again...this is no place to try and live my life...cuz who I am hates who I've been...

Whoops, gotta go.  more music lyrics later.  Hopefully.  and thanks for the comment, allison.

Gotta love my three doors down and reliant K.

Later...

GAH!

I'm in a dry point in my spiritual life.  Badly.  I need to be open to GOd.  Grrr.

Finding Neverland

I woke up this morning.  Eleven hours of sleep - whoohoo! 

I was thinking about Finding Neverland.  How they talk about growing up and all that jazz, and once childhood's gone, it's gone.  I was also thinking about my last few years in highschool.  As a junior, I don't feel the same as I did as a sophmore, let alone a freshman.  Freshman year I still had the eyes of a child.  I had fun with my friends, and began to figure out who I was (instead of the lovely chameleon named Katelyn).  Faith was coming to the frontlines, even though it was just in a Logos form - facts, truth, you're wrong I'm right, God's a thing out there.  Sophmore year I evolved a bit into a half lizard, half human sort of scary thing.  I had less pure fun.  I began to realize how close I was to becoming a legal adult, and all that that entailed.  Faith was more of a personal thing, though still fact oriented. Ethos, if you will. Some friends were truer, though confusion in that area still remained.

Now I'm upon my Junior year.  Somehow, this mutated creature is looking more and more human than chameleon.  Faith is more Pathos, though bits of Ethos and Logos are still quite necessary.  Friends are truer than ever, and not much haze remains.  I'm only a few years away from living on my own, as an adult in society.  I'll be going through Confirmation classes (starting in, oh, a few weeks), so my parents won't be responsible for my religious instruction - I will.  School consumes much of my time, as does church and family and friends. 

And somehow, I've realized that something changed during these past few years.  I'm not a child anymore.  At heart, at least.  I'm beginning to see the world through the eyes of an adult.  I'm more jealous of people's spiritual lives than what brand of clarinet they have.  And yet somehow I'm the same person.  Or am I?  Have I changed? Or just realized my potential? 

Weeeeeeeeee!!!

Hmmm...Let's see...Oh. Right.

Firstly, I'll thank Kayla for loading the pics on. Now all you people who yell at me to get a picture get to shut up! OH, and that's a CLARINET REED that I'm sucking on, not my finger (my fingers are not yellow....yet....).

*looks at picture*

...

I miss my hair.

...

Anywho...

Today I'm babysitting two of my four usual kids from nine am to four pm.  Joy.  That's...(counts on fingers)...seven hours of fun.  And cash.  But really, I do love the kids.  Their mom said she'd get some movies so I could get some homework done (YAY! I get to start on the chapter review for Calc! Joy!). 

I really should get on here more...Meh.  I may make an effort.  Or not.

*Scurries off to spam friends' blogs/profiles*

Some people say it quite well.

Let Me Go Pt. 2

There was once a time
When I tried to refine
A system that would address
All of the questions of existence
Like is there one truth
Or just different points of view?
Are we struggling towards a goal
Or is the value in the struggle?
Or is there something
That’s worth believing?
Is there no meaning after all
Or are we all just accidental?
But the more I wondered
The more I thought and the less I bought
The harder it was to raise my voice or to make a choice

Is it all controlled or just a matter of chance?
Is it too late now, can I take it back?
Is all we are just circumstance?
Well I honestly still cannot say now that I’m looking back

Is it all controlled or just a matter of chance?
Is it too late now, can I take it back?
Is all we are just circumstance?
Well you can ask these questions but they will not be answered back

Oh when we were youth and spoke the truth
Oh when the world was new and we were too
Oh when there was truth and no need for proof
Oh didn’t it seem to you there was nothing we couldn’t do?

Please let me go right now

bohemia

Stupid thing got deleted.

my problem?  If I can't accept myself, who else can?  And I'm afraid I'll somehow screw up everything that keeps me sane. 

I'm also and island.  Until certain people understand this, it's going to cause me stress.  I can't help it. 

It's all Bohemian, really.

Heh, we're doing the sorrowful mysteries at Adoration.  What a concept.  At least somebody is listening. 

Oh, BAH!

I don't know.  I think Christ has banished my doubts, no, I know He has.  But I feel so...lukewarm. I wish He'd just hurry up and make me completely devoted to Him.  But evidentally that's not what He wants.  The process is what He wants, and it kinda sucks at times.

*sigh* I find myself wondering about the upcoming school year.  I don't have any apparent conflicts with any teachers for once, so that end's okay if I don't screw it up.  My friends...it'll take some navigating in that area, but I'm a decent pilot.  What concerns me the most is...my christianity.

I don't know what I'm going to have to 'give up' to be closer to Him - stuff that isn't focused on Him, which is where my focus should be.  I don't know how to balance earth with heaven.  I've never done it before.  I need to make the effort.  And dang it, saying so isn't going to make it happen.  I just want to be close to Him, and for it to be okay to be close to Him.  For so many people, it's weird to be like that.  I have to keep reminding myself that that's how it's supposed to be.  To be living in the world, but not of it.  I wish I didn't get so much fun out of this world, though.  That would definitely make things a whole lot easier. 

I just want to go home.  And He won't let me. 

Yet.

There are some nice things down here in exile. 

Adoration.  Good friends.  Apostrophes.  Sunsets. 

DAMMIT I WISH PEOPLE CARED!

I wish people cared about the truth, to never stop trying to seek more and more of it, to always hunger for a deeper love for Him.  *curls up*

And yet...

When I talk to others, read their blogs...I am consoled.  I am not alone.  There are people out there who really do care, and are doing something about it. 

My dear God, help me.  Help others. Use me as an instrument of your grace and words.  Use others to speak to me.  Help me.  I am nothing without you.

I'm Back...

for now.

Hmmm...it's been sooo long.  Life's been okay. I'm procrastinating my APE homework until the last second and still need to do lots of my school shopping...but I could be worse otherwise.

Oh yeah, I chopped my hair off last wednesday.  12 inches. (Actually, more like fourteen, because they don't count the ends) It's layered a bit, too.  Took me five freaking years to grow it out.  All I know is Locks of Love better appreciate it. 

Let's see...what else...oh, I named my tenor sax that I'm renting. I wasn't sure if I should at first, but seeing as I'm probably going to be in Jazz Band for the next two years...Meh.  His name is Lawrence, and he's a Vito.  Roxie has a friend now.  (In case you don't know, Roxie is my clarinet.  She's a crappy Artley, but my precious baby all the same.)  I've always thought that naming your instrument helps make you want to take care of it more, like a pet.  I dunno, works for me.  Yeah, I know.  Crazy band nerd.

hmmm....OOOOOH!!!  I haven't spewed on this here yet, have I?  *drumroll*

I get to start Confirmation classes this year!! *dances*  Yeah, I know what your thinking.  Crazy Katelyn is waaay too over excited for spending every other Thursday at church getting talked at by Fr. Lappe, probably missing a few gigs to do so, from November to May-ish, I think.  But hear me out.  Now my religious education is my responsibility (officially).  And you get to do cool stuff once you're confirmed.  Like meet a bishop, and get another patron saint.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

Hmmm...Thérèse of Lisèux was cool....I dunno.  Meh.  That's it for now...

Oh,....monkey.

*sigh*  Sometimes, you just feel like screaming, like you want out of this maddening world and your ready to go meet Jesus...

And other times life is sweet.  *sigh*  Aye me.

Epiphanal moment!!

Ephiphanal moment:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Katelyn
Date: Jul 26, 2005 11:34 PM

Well, the way I figure, to hell with all this crap about me thinking I won't get it. And if a miracle occurs and somebody riggs the test, I might as well fall flat on my face.

See, I was laying on my bed earlier, thinking about...well, everything. And I decided that life's a balance, and as long as you don't screw with it too badly you'll usually get corresponding good things and bad things. So, the harder I fall the more I'll enjoy the sweet nectar of life. Screw the numbness. I want to live, and I damn well will. No more changing my soul to what I think will please people and whatnot. I need to start re-getting to know who I am. I think I was seriously close to forgetting.

I also decided to know God for who he really is, not what we picture him to be. Yeah, I've heard that so many times. But it finally clicked. That one'll be harder, and a hell of a lot more scary.

*grins* 
 

CHSTrumpeter
Date:	Jul 26, 2005 11:39 PM    Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject:	RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: 'ello, poppet!
Body:	-hugs- I love you! Isn't that the truth? I'll say it again "opposition in all things". It goes with what you say- you must know disappointment to feel happiness. And the greater the disappointment, the greater that the happiness is going to feel. Or, in my case, the longer I was away from God- the better (I should say stronger) it felt to come to Him. It's all good. Life is good. For now. Then it goes bad, but when you come back, it feels all that much better. Even in my atheism (which was nothing but pain), I knew I would rather live like that then "numbness". That's why I would never kill myself, no matter how hopeless life seemed to me. Because feeling- being alive- it's all too great in of itself.

It's so fun to get high...

...off of sharpie.

I just outlined a heck of a lot of posters for VBS.  I got my notes for the "Saint" station.  For monday, I get to come up with a saint and a story because the game we had planned isn't going to work out. 

"Righteous got it made like a escalade..."

What the heck is going on?

...and feeling like crap.  Let's see....last night wasn't good.  At all.  Today's better.  My leg hurts like a you know what.  I think I strained a muscle or something.  I need to get home and ice it, though.  (yes, Kayla, that does help.  Are you icing your wrist??)  I'm going to suck it up and quit voice lessons.  My parents could really have a better use for that 35 bucks a week.  I need to get over being extremely jealous of my brother.  Just because my parents were brass players and are really excited about him playing trumpet and he has a step up instrument worth about four times as much as my clarinet is no reason to be jealous.  There's no point in getting anything better anyway...I'll just have two more years in high school and might get a few years in collage.  Maybe I'll even have to drop band, like my dad did. 

God, I hate this.  I just wish...no.  No point in wishing.  It's only reality that really matters.  And what reality is, is that my stuff's perfecting fine for schooling Nathan this year.  Heh, I'm on a huge ego trip with it, seeing as I've never been beaten by anyone my own age.  But frankly, I think that I suck.  I think that I'm just working the system, like in all my other class.  I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else in this damned world.  So what if I get first next year?  Big deal.  Just means that you did better in one tiny instant than twenty something other kids who just don't care as much.  I just want that Nazi in my head to shut up and leave me and my music alone. 

Damn me and my effing lack of self confindence. *hides in dark corner*

I was walking round in circles...

...going five miles an hour...and then I got dizzy and fell on my butt and it hurts.

First off, turns out I'm leading the songs for VBS instead of the third graders.  Last year I would have been terrified, but this year...

I'M PUMPED!!!! WHOOP! WHOOP!

Anywho...

Weeeell, in other news, I got up this morning and Kayla came over.  I made breakfast for both of us, and then we both went to Mass.  Actually, I guess Jess wanted to come too, but we were running late and she called me a bitch so I said "see ya!" and went out the door.  Afterwards Lorin had me and Kayla supposedly help him get ready for Mission Trip tomorrow.  Then my mom called. 

*DUN DUN DUUUUN*

She told me to get home, and that she needed to have a talk with me.

*DUN DUN DUUUUN*

Well, that freaked me a bit, to say the least.  So, when I got to my house it turned out that my mom was ticked that I didn't take Jess, but I told her about the bitch comment and that mulled that over.  She then went on about how I should have told her that Kayla was coming over (big oops on my part XP), but she didn't mind that she did.  Then she kinda talked about how she's mad at Lorin, and then how I needed to manage my time because I wasn't home at all yesterday and I'm leaving for a week, blah blah blah, family blah blah blah (I turned off my brain, aren't you proud of me Kayla?).  THen she went downstairs and told Jess to control her temper, blah blah.  Then we went shopping for shorts (me, jess, mom).  Jess was a total butt on the way to the store, she took my hair tie because it 'was hers, and yes she needed it badly'. But my mom bought me a Snickers at the checkout, which made me feel a bit better.  It's funny how life seems so...yeah...when you turn off your brain. No, my brain's working.  I turned off most of my emotions.  Quite nice, actually.  It's like a nice little fog.

So yeah, to everyone who cares, I'm fine.  Mummy dearest didn't take away mission trip (though she thought out loud about doing that as a way to get back at Lorin, or something like that).  And she keeps suggesting that I contact Kayla and invite her to the non-existant Teen Adoration tonight.  That's only if she doesn't have practice.  Ah well.  I still feel a bit...numb, but it really could be worse and I'm thawing out nicely.

Will somebody please...

...just kill me now?

Going...going...

My dad's best friend and his wife and kids came over for a few days.  They were doing a tour of the north west, I guess.  Tim (dad's best friends name)  is a pretty cool guy, and his daughters are really sweet.  Yeah, me and the girls took a while to get along with 'flowing' conversation.  But last night it started going pretty well.  Only sad part about that is that they're leaving for Portland today, and then heading back around to Seattle and Olympia. 

Know what that means?  I"M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't play hostess very well during the summer when I'm forced to.  

But today...

I have to babysit four kids for a few hours (parents going on a lunch date, I guess), then at five I come back to the church office (where I am right now) and goof off until my Mission Trip meeting at six, then my Girls' Club meeting at 7:30. I'm on vacation bible school overload. 

I'm preparing for the St. Thomas Church VBS with the girls' club, which takes place the week after the week after Mission Trip.  I leave for Mission Trip on Saturday. (four days...).  On Mission Trip, 22 of us are putting on the same VBS for a bunch of underprivledged kids in Brewster, WA in the mornings, then driving back to Okanogan, WA, where we're sleeping to put on the same one for a bunch of kids there.  SOOO....that all means that these next few day's I'm on poster making/song singing overload until I leave to put on the VBS twice in a week at the same time, then I get back to start VBS Boot Camp for the VBS at ST. Thomas that I had already done twice.  Week after boot camp I"m putting on the VBS for all the extremely ungrateful kids at ST. Thomas.  Three times, with a week of redundant rehearsal in between.  So basically, I'm going to be very VBSy until August.  Joy.

I really enjoy the VBSes though.  Painting posters, getting high off of sharpies that we use to outline the posters because certain people can't paint inside the lines, learning songs that'll get stuck in my head for months afterward.  We reuse songs, and I find it truely amazing that I not only remember ALL the lyrics from ALL the songs from last year, but ALL the hand motions as well.  What's really amazing is that I remember them well enough to teach to all the other leaders who don't remember.  I haven't touched these songs in a year...wow.  *bounces*  I'm proud of myself. 

"We are apostles. Apostles?  Apostles for Christ..."

"I like bananas.  I know that mangoes are sweet.  I like papyas - papyas? but nothing can beat that sweeeeeeeet loooove of God! herewego-herewego-herewego..."

"Come, and go with me, to, my Father's house..."

"Love. The. Lord your God with all your heart. And. All your soul and all your mind.  And. Love all mankind as you would love yourself and Love. The. Lord your God..."

*grins and bounces*  I'm really excited for it.  The kids are split up into groups by grade level.  I'm gotten third grade for three years in a row now.  It's the best group of kids by far.  Actually, I've got second/third grade boys, but that's still the best.  First of all, our color is green (probably dark).  My favorite.   Secondly, third graders are so much fun.  They're old enough that they'll join in with everything (with a little prodding at times), but still young enough to think that you're cool and won't mouth off to you and will do what you say.  *dances* 

I'm so exciiiiiiiiiiited!

We're off and running...

...and I'm going to fall flat on my face. 

Summer's finally here. Joy.  And Katelyn needs to update.

I've been at church camp for the weekend.  Twas okay.  The first night was just me and Jess, my sister.  Then the rest of my family came up.  Good news: I had a somewhat fun time, and walked a heck of a lot.  Bad News: I've got allergies, it turns out, so I went to my youth minister aka the pharmacy and got some funky pills that cleared everything up, but made me really drowsy.  But all in all, the whole experiance could have been worse.

Last Wednesday I broke up with my boyfriend.  Yeah, I know I kinda came out of nowhere with it.  But for the moment, all I'm saying is that I don't regret having the whole relationship at all, and that I needed to end it when I did.  I know I'm being pretty vague and whatnot, but people can talk to me and I'll decide whether or not to give any more details.  Meh.

I miss my Kayla.  I think I'm having withdrawl symptoms.  lol.  *grabs Big and Rich CD and shoves into CD player* But it'll be okay, cuz she'll be back in a week.  And my dad's best friend's family is coming over for the forth of July weekend area, so that'll be fun.  Maybe.  I haven't seen their daughters in a good five years or so, so it'll be interesting. 

Meh, that's enough for now.  I need to go...yeah.  I don't have an excuse. I'm just done. 

*yawn-stretch*

Don't worry, ya'll, I'm still alive. For the moment.

Good News: We made peace in the MidEast.

Bad News: My binder's due and I'm stallin' stallin' stallin' on getting it done

Good News: Schools almost over!! Whoopie!!

Bad News: Friday=Graduation and Saturday=field trip to see a bunch of monks who make fudge. That means...meh, stupid lack of life.

Good News: School's almost over!!

Bad News: So's band

Good News: TWO MORE DAYS!!!!!

Bad News: Finals and Binders due tomorrow.

Must...stop...slacking...summer...almost...here...finish...line...in...sight...

*takes deep breath*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!!

*falls over and dies*

Stallin', stallin', stallin'...

My stupid Bio project is due tomorrow, and I'm stallin', stallin', stallin'...

Randomn Thought of the Moment

You know what? The single greatest word in the English language is "meh."

Grace 4 Square...

I completely spaced talking about this. Okay, the night I went was one of the "Worship" nights, so I still have to come back sometime for a 'real' Youth Group session. Anywho, it was a lot of fun. The music rocked my socks! (what can I say? I've got a thing for a bass line that you can actually feel pulsating through yourself) And whatshisname, one of the leader guys, tall, skinny, glasses...yeah. He had you guys pray over eachother, and if you wanted to you could have gotten anointed with oil. THIS shocked me. To think that a Proto church would do something so intrinsically Catholic...but then again... Let me explain. Anointing people with oil is one of the seven Sacraments Catholics have (baptism, communion, confession, reconciliation, holy orders, matrimony, and anointing of the sick). We anoint sick people (physically or spiritually) with a holy (blessed) oil and pray for them. It just took me by surprise that you guys would try something like that. Kinda cool, really. The night was cool, overall. Lots of people asking me what the heck I was doing there (recon mission, undercover spy work...), which I found a bit funny. Now, here comes the big HOWEVER... However, it seemed to be missing something. Maybe it was something I picked up (or didn't) from the song lyrics, the words of the leaders, I don't know what. Maybe it was like Justin told me afterwards. You get out of it what you put into it. I did try to put myself into it, though - give it a fair trial, so to speak. But I couldn't help but wonder... Is something deeper being established here? Would the faith still be there if you take away the friends and rock musik? (I spell 'music' with a k now because that's the German way and it looks cooler ) Do the Jesus Freaks really establish a personal, intimate relationship with Christ? But like I said, I'm going to have to come back again to see more and form a better view of your church.

Good News, Bad News

Good news: I got my AP test done! WOOP WOOP! Now I get to watch National Treasure and do fun stuff like the middle east peace conferences! YAY! Bad news: My cat died yesterday. Joy. and I'm blaming myself. *sigh*

It's another late night post

Meh. Another late night for Katelyn. As tired as I am, I kinda like it. Late at night I get into a nice philosophical mood. Or just go on random tangents. Like now. I want a great relationship with God. Does God even exist? I've got experiances in my life that say he does, like last night, but the doubting comes with the morning... I want to know WHY he created all this, this world, this life, my life. What's the point, you know? He doesn't need me. Then why do I exist? Was he bored? Why would God get bored? I want to know what I'm supposed to do with myself. Stupid forecasting. I hate it. All I want to do is play and learn the language of music, read good books, discuss religion and politics, and do some science. If school was like that, I'd never not want to go again. Yes, double negative. I want to trust people. Meh, stupid vulcan shell. I want a new clarinet. But my Artley's perfectly fine. Maybe I'll buy it one piece at a time. I've already got the mouthpiece... I want homework to go away. Pointless and takes up far too much time. Which is why I'm blowing all of it off right now. I want AP tests to go away. Cause way too much stress. And the WASL. Can you say, COMPLETE waste of time? Much rather be in band. Or reading my Anne Rice books. I want to fall in love. Yes, that's what Katelyn wants. A pesky boyfriend to take up even more of her time and money and emotion and sanity, with a wonderfully heartwrenching breakup at the end to make her even more insane. *sigh* I'd better stop now. Hey look! It's 12:34! I'm easily amused.

Now that Spring Break's Over...

I get to go back to school. Joy. Actually, I do want to go back, for band that is. Life's just not the same without Mancini's daily words of wisdom, playing music, telling Miescha to shut up (you know I love you girl!), playing music, getting ridiculed by David, playing music, watching Mancini yell at the drummers, playing music... The rest of my classes can just die. Okay, so classes can't actually die, but you know what I mean.

There it is!

God, I feel so mentally and emotionally drained. Is that what finally finding your soul does to you? *sighs* Grrr. I can't concentrate. Screw homework. I"m going to run around myspace for a while. *scurries*