Hmmm...rereading things over, it seems as though I should clarify a bit.
I don't hate my life. Life is the only thing/state that I've ever known, and leaving this state would be stepping into theh quasi-unknown, which is scary. Meaning, I do 'know' what's beyond life, but I haven't realized it with every fiber of my being.
I love God. Heck, you too would love the person who gave you everything. But I don't love Him perfectly. I don't like that.
I'm just stuck in a rut.
Yes, I'd defend my faith to the grave. I think. Meaning, I'm Catholic forever and I think everyone else should be too, but I think I'd be willing to be a martyr. Not know, think.
I feel like I'm missing something. Just one link in the chain, one chunk of the puzzle. I know it's somewhere in the Catholic Faith. It has to be. I'm beyond discussing that option. But where? Yeah, I know, just let yourself be washed over by His love, let it fully unite itself with every atom that your made of. BUT HOW??? No, I think I know how. I've just poisoned myself against it. I've covered it up so much that I can't see it or find it anymore...
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Wait...mom should be done with childcare by now...she said that I could come over here and look up some stuff (which I did)...but that was two hours ago...I'll go check on her in a sec. THe mission can't last this long, can it?
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But anywho, yeah. Outside, I'm fine. inside, I'm just missing something. I'm not quite sure what it is or how to get it, but I think I will someday. I'm just a very impatient person. I want to love God more. I just have to let myself...
easier said than done, eh? ;)
*sighs* All righty. Going to check on mummy dearest. I have to say, I'm a bit worried. Ah well. What's the worst that can happen? It's probably nothing. :)
