I don't know. I think Christ has banished my doubts, no, I know He has. But I feel so...lukewarm. I wish He'd just hurry up and make me completely devoted to Him. But evidentally that's not what He wants. The process is what He wants, and it kinda sucks at times.
*sigh* I find myself wondering about the upcoming school year. I don't have any apparent conflicts with any teachers for once, so that end's okay if I don't screw it up. My friends...it'll take some navigating in that area, but I'm a decent pilot. What concerns me the most is...my christianity.
I don't know what I'm going to have to 'give up' to be closer to Him - stuff that isn't focused on Him, which is where my focus should be. I don't know how to balance earth with heaven. I've never done it before. I need to make the effort. And dang it, saying so isn't going to make it happen. I just want to be close to Him, and for it to be okay to be close to Him. For so many people, it's weird to be like that. I have to keep reminding myself that that's how it's supposed to be. To be living in the world, but not of it. I wish I didn't get so much fun out of this world, though. That would definitely make things a whole lot easier.
I just want to go home. And He won't let me.
Yet.
There are some nice things down here in exile.
Adoration. Good friends. Apostrophes. Sunsets.
DAMMIT I WISH PEOPLE CARED!
I wish people cared about the truth, to never stop trying to seek more and more of it, to always hunger for a deeper love for Him. *curls up*
And yet...
When I talk to others, read their blogs...I am consoled. I am not alone. There are people out there who really do care, and are doing something about it.
My dear God, help me. Help others. Use me as an instrument of your grace and words. Use others to speak to me. Help me. I am nothing without you.
