In the midst of all my stress, I feel myself closing off from Kayla. It's all self inflicted stress, I know. Most of it rooted in deep seated issues that I've got with my various insecurities. And I don't care. It doesn't change anything.
But I can see it. I see her having to deal with all this stuff, like DM tryouts and finals and any other excuse that I think of to make, and think that if I can just hold my own for a while then I can unload later when she's not so...preoccupied. Or even better, it'll just go away before I have to unload on her.
Maybe I just need to get it through my head that I'm not stressful to her. But then, it's really not stressful to me when she unloads on me, so... I just don't want to hurt her. Evidently this course of action completely backfired last time. I just...
I need to talk with her...really, really talk. I don't want to be pushing her away. I don't want to screw things up again.
And I think she wants to talk to me, too. But then, I'm not really trusting my instincts with what's going on with her. I'm afraid to, that they may be wrong. I don't know...I need her, dammit, I do. But I don't want to seem self centered, either. I don't want it to seem like I care only about spewing my crap to her, because I want her to spew back. (bad image, I know). I need to talk.
We need to talk.
